Thursday, August 5, 2010

When things don't go well

Oy.  I sit here and start to type and wonder how I'm going to get all of the stress that is in my head and my heart out, out, out.  I won't go into great details (yeah, right) but I need an outlet and since I don't have a therapist (are there any therapists that do midnight appointments? just wondering) and my BFF is hopefully sound asleep in her bed, I will write.

Why do relationships have to be a struggle?  Why does communicating with a person you've been married to for 21 years have to be so difficult?  How is it that you can think that you know a person, I mean REALLY know them, and find out you don't really know them at all?  Yes, these are kind of hypothetical questions, but I would love to get answers.  Instead of answers though, all I can think about is the crazy version of the song "You Always Hurt the One You Love" by Spike Jones.  The lyrics are so true, "You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all" but his version takes it a whole 'nother level by adding crazy sounds (screaming, dogs howling, gun shots, glass breaking).  That version of the song is how I feel right now.  Yeah, welcome to my world.  Laugh.

Seriously though, I hate fussing.  I hate fighting ( physical stuff).  I hate arguing.  I hate hearing people yell.  I've had (and done) enough of it in my life that if I NEVER got in an argument or disagreement again, I'd be a happy camper.  Could that be one of my wishes if I ever find that bottle with Robin Williams, oops, I mean the Genie in it?  Here's how I see that conversation...(cue fake smoke and Genie music)  Okay, my first wish is that everyone in the world will always have enough food to eat and clean water to drink (I'm hoping I can lump that in to one wish, although I guess its technically two, but it's my fantasy, so one wish it is).  Two, that every child in the world has someone who loves them and keeps them safe (there I go again with the two for one deal...hopefully my Genie isn't too bright).  And finally, three, that I don't ever have to be a part of an argument or disagreement ever again.

While I'm sure the wish maker would be all over requests one and two, he'd probably laugh off the third one.  I mean, humans have argued since we were created.  Look at Adam and Eve.  Oh yeah, they argued.  And even though the story doesn't give details on their later years, how many times do you think Eve had to hear about taking that fruit?  Or how many times did Adam get it thrown at him about not keeping the snakes out of the garden?  When things got tough, when they were picking through the thorns for food, or when Eve was all PMS'ing I am SO betting that they fussed.  It doesn't just stop with them.  The Bible is full of fussers.  Cain and Abel (they take it to a terrible level of no return), Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Esau...I mean even the disciples argued about who Jesus loved best. 

As much as I long to escape it, I also realize that not all disagreement is a bad thing.  There are many times in my life where an initial disagreement led me to examine myself and make some good and necessary changes.  Some of my best friendships got even better because an argument made us look at why we were friends to begin with.  So my husband and I arguing isn't anything special, nothing to write home about or stop the presses for.  However, it still hurts.  It hurts me anyway.  He would probably never admit if it bothers him or not.  Communication is not his strong suite.  Over communication is definitely mine.  Just those two characteristics alone combine to make a petri dish agar ripe for growth of discord. 

Now, I have to take that growth of discord and find the antidote.  It won't come from a Genie.  It won't come from continuing the fussing.  It will only come from me stepping away from my hurt and my pride and trying to see past the words flung in anger and haste.  I have to put on my "Grace Goggles".  Even if you've never heard of them, you know what they are.  It's when you are able to move away from a painful moment or situation and look at it through the eyes of faith and God's grace.

Maybe I need to change my third wish to having "Grace Goggle" permanent vision instead.  That way, in times of arguing or hurtful words, I would be able to see beyond it and know that even in disagreements, God is there.  To keep me moving in that direction, I'm reminding myself of the words in Ephesians 4, verses 31 and 32   "Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort.  Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ." 

What a great outlet indeed.  Thanks for reading my friends.


Delia said...

I think we all need a pair of those goggles. :)

Kelli said...

Wow. I'm so glad I found your blog. (thanks for following me, so I could find you!). Words are so hurtful,and I tend to hold them so closely to my heart, even after the "I'm sorry's", but I still cling to the's a safe place for me. Twisted? Yeah. I need that verse so much (for my kids as well!) thanks for including that. On the Beth Moore note, when I was a baby Christian, I went to see Beth Moore in Idaho. It was so worth the 6+ hour drive to get there! She is amazing. Well, God is amazing, and she is a beautiful reflection of HIM! I just started reading (again) my "Praying God's Word", as I needed the encouragement, strength and humility as we started school again. Thank you again for stopping by my blog!